Thursday, April 05, 2007

Are you one of...
"The Frigids"??

And: Se7en Inches of Snow in Windsor, VT...

... and it's still sifting down. Marge has no school today (got the call at 5 AM). I'm waiting on whether CCS is in session today or not; I'm ready to go, if it is -- if I can get out of our driveway in time.

Spring in Vermont. The storm hit as Jay Hosler was speaking at CCS yesterday morning -- Jay was terrific, BTW, just a great speaker and a grand fellow.

I (and CCS) thereafter treated him to lunch, made sure he had the safest route from this neck of the woods to his destination (Williams College in Williamstown, MA) in hand (Mapquest would have sent him up and over the single worst road in southern VT during a snowstorm!), and after lunch Jay was on his way. Whew -- 4:27 call from Jay confirmed he made it, safe and sound, to his destination; I rested easier last night knowing that.

And now, thanks to my old amigo Steve Perry -- thanks, Steve! -- I've a new book of Criswell predictions to share with you! Your Next Ten Years: Criswell Predicts (1969, Droke House) is another gem of stunning, breathtaking, gut-busting predictions from Ed Wood's favorite psychic -- and with the gift of hindsight, we can see for ourselves oh how right Criswell was!

As with last year's series of Criswell predictions posted to this very blog, it's best that you read these with Criswell's own voice resonating in your mind. If you need a refresher, just get your hands on a DVD or vhs copy of Ed Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space or Night of the Ghouls or even Orgy of the Dead and listen, oh my friends, and remember!

Criswell Predicts!

Also, as before, I will lovingly archive every odd spelling, peculiarity of grammar, and every beloved component of Criswell's uncanny writings.

We'll start this series with something suitable for breakfast, the return of winter, and also because Jay Hosler heralds originally from Indiana. He and his family apparently survived the blasphemous cult that emerged from his home state in the mid-'70s, for nothing Jay ate at either breakfast or lunch betrayed any suspicious connection to this, the most shattering of all of Criswell's predictions in this rare and precious tome:

The following prediction, based on trend, precedent, pattern of habit, human behavior and the unalterable law of cycle... has best not be read by those who have weak stomachs! A friendly warning to prevent nightmares and traumas!

If any one in your family is easily influenced or susceptible to fright and horror, it is better that you hide this volume from them.

In 1975 and 1976, mortuary burial practices will take a strange turn -- that of freezing the dead body for later revival.* This will never be completely a success, and although there is only minor brain damage, organs of the body will not function normally when partially revived.

Mentally, the revived individual could not comprehend the events taking place. Some are sad, pitiful creatures to behold!

A strange and loathsome cult will come out of Patoka, Indiana. Some will say they are descendents of the Patoka Tribe of Indians, while others claim they were the Devil's Own! These crazed men and women, and some children, will raid the Morgues where these bodies were kept at frigid temperature, steal the bodies, and devour them. They are brittle and can be eaten like crisp ice cream cakes. Delightful, delicious, human flesh! This cult will soon spread from coast-to-coast, and thousands upon thousands of frozen human bodies will be eaten with relish. This cult will be known as the "The Frigids." Even the bones will be eaten. And the rare delicacy will be the skull of any one under 18!

Lungs, livers and genitals will be particular favorites.

So ravenous are the Frigids that morgues will be guarded by the National Militia around the clock, to protect the sacred frozen bodies of the dead.

It will not be uncommon to see someone walking down the street daintily crunching a mouthful of a frozen person.

The Law Enforcement Agencies will stand by and permit this dreadful activity due to "freedom of desire" and the new and vicious attitudes of the Liberals.

The Supreme Court will hand down the decision that "no harm could come from eating dead frozen flesh of humans" and that the "Frigids are in their constitutional right as the dead body could not object and was passive, feeling no pain!"

This fad of frozen flesh eating will continue on until August 18th, 1999, in spite of squeamish individuals who would rather see it stop.

In fact, it will stop on that day with everything else, for I predict the end of the world on August 18, 1999!

* Cryogenics, the art of freezing a dead body for later revival. Many famous men and women who died in 1969 have secretly had this done. A costly procedure and still unproven.

Thus, Criswell Predicts!

Have a tremendous Thursday --

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2 Comments:

Blogger HemlockMan said...

Thanks for the chuckle!

I really liked Jeffery Jones as Criswell in the Burton/Depp film about Wood.

4/05/2007  
Blogger SRBissette said...

Yep, he was perfect! Criswell -- amazing.

4/06/2007  

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