Friday, February 17, 2006

At last, Criswell's last predictions...

Well, it's been a couple of weeks, and it's time, O my friends, to retire the Criswell excerpts. I'll leave you with a few honeys, and hope you enjoyed this bizarre flash-from-the-past as much as Criswell did.

Here's your farewell predictions -- from the past, which is after all where we all once lived -- circa 1968. Thanks for the peek into our future unlived, Criswell!

"I Predict...that Massachusetts will be known as the most tragic state in the Union due to the great area of Atlantic Ocean coast which will be the scene of many tidal waves and undersea disturbances. There will be millions of new acres in the northeastern part of America which will rise out of the sea but not without great damage to the present states in that area. I predict that Massachusetts will continue to lose a great deal of manufacturing plants to the southern states particularly in Georgia, Alabama and Mississippi due to the increasingly bad winters they will have."

"I Predict... Chicago, Ill. Jan. 10, 1970: A revival of the old fashioned Dance Marathon of the 1920s for contestants over 85 will be held, sponsored by a vitamin company testing their new product!"

"I Predict... that it will be impossible for you to lie under a new medication which will be given you before you enter court to testify."

"I Predict... the the only war to be fought on American soil will be in Alaska in the late 1980's. A combine of Russian, Chinese and Korean forces will try to get a foothold on North America by bombing the U.S., then invading Alaska. That state will be virtually destroyed in the fighting."

"I Predict... that it will be entirely possible for you to master algebra, Latin, trigonometry, or even the German language within the period of a week to capture it and learn it. You will see it on the screen, you will follow the printed test, you will push push buttons for your automation examination and you will find you will retain all there is to know of the subject that you are studying. You will also be trained for the professions in this same way."

"I Predict... paste on bikinis for you girls and clamp on bikinis for you men."

"I Predict... the present method of embalming will soon be completely discarded for a new revolutionary arterial fluid which will preserve the body for a thousand years in a perfect life-like state. Your body will then be dressed in a fiberglass burial garment and encased in a fiberglass plastic casket which will outlast the elements and endure as long as time itself.
The natural enemies of the grave, insects, rodents and water will be completely conquered and it is very possible that in a thousand years your descendants from another planet might look upon your preserved life-like remains. Our body is a temple which will be preserved forever, even after all life here is gone."


"Does any one actually die? Does any one actually vanish from the earth without a trace? Psychologists tell us that this is impossible, for each and every man, woman or child leaves something of himself on earth and never, never actually vanishes into the void! Each personality leaves a memory, an impression, a good or bad deed, which is never erased, and it is handed down from generation to generation. From your own childhood, you can remember how a grandfather or great grandmother, told you about her grandmother or great grandmother, some incident that you have retold to your family many times! In Europe, there are houses and farms which have remained in the same family since William the Conqueror, trinkets which date back to the Crusades and, even in America, a young nation compared to others, has a rich heritage of Indian lore, which somehow will never die! The people, once thought dead, remain very much alive in a living legend, with far more power than when alive. An entire cult has grown up around Evita Peron, nw elected for canonization, in Argentina. Stalin, in spite of his cold desecrated body, thrown on the ash heap of Red scorn, still is vital and breathing and is carefully followed by many Russian spiritualists who seek his advice from the Nether Realms! Yes, no one actually dies and leaves nothing behind, for no matter who they are, they live in someone's memory! And YOU will too, in your incredible future!"

4 Comments:

Anonymous Jeron Konig said...

I PREDICT ...

Criswell will knock on your door, in a paste-on bikini, and like some Romero Zombie eat your fucking brain for canceling him like a bad sit-com.

2/18/2006  
Blogger Marky Mark said...

I PREDICT...

You will never answer me, and never enjoy VINYL.

2/18/2006  
Blogger SRBissette said...

Hey, be thankful for Criswell's visit... I mean, who else was giving you a daily dose of the genius that is Criswell?

I didn't 'cancel' Criswell -- in fact, I had extended his run a bit beyond the planned duration.

Maybe we can coax him back for a return engagement, though most of what's left from his book are weaktit, state-specific (one lameass prediction for every one of the 50!), or loooooooong pieces (multiple pages) I just didn't care enough to retype.

2/18/2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I remember reading his 'Criswell Predicts' book in the late 60's as a kid. I was terrified my hometown of Denver was predicted to turn into jello-type goo and be destryoed! Thankfully, it hasn't happened .....yet.

10/17/2010  

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