Friday, August 31, 2007

CriswellPredicts...

O my Friend...

Let us pause for a moment!

For after us the deluge!

Our glittering world will soon be a smoldering cinder of a world!

The sins we do one by one are paid for two by two!

And in the next ten years, the story will be told!

Do not ask for whom the bells toll for it might be for you! Scientists tell us that we are a world of duplicates, triplicates, and trillionates... for this world and every item in it is duplicated a trillion times over in the vast universe of nearby space! Why should you feel lonely when you have a trillion counterparts? Do the other trillion feel as lonely as you? Are you fair to them?

The coming ten years may frighten you, but remember, of all the times to be alive, this is the time!
On this purgatory planet, I predict we will survive. But, while we live... the deluge!

- Criswell

[Introduction to The Next Ten Years: Criswell Predicts, 1969, Droke House]
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Tipping Will Be Outlawed!

I predict that within ten years tipping will be outlawed, and will be a thing of the past! The discriminatory practice of the master and slave complex has long plagued the 20th Century and its time is now up! Panhandling on the streets will be a felony.

Salary for House Wives

I predict that the Supreme Court will decide that any "house wife" is entitled to a weekly salary from her husband for taking care of the house, the children, if any, and other wifely duties! This will result in a complete rewriting of our divorce laws, separations and alimony! The entire tax structure for married couples will also be revamped! You can expect this change in 1978 or 1979!

Respect Will Triumph
I predict respect will triumph and it will be a felony to transpose religious and national secular songs into other musical patterns, for either comic or insult purposes! The public will revolt against hearing "Eli, Eli," "Ava Maria," "Lead Kindly Light," "America" and "The Star Spangled Banner" sung in drunken psychodelic [note spelling as Criswell wrote it] style, and will demand that Congress enact this new law for respect!

Secret Graveyard

I predict that a secret graveyard will be discovered near Denver, where murdered men and women were buried unquestioned and for a fee! Many riddles of Denver will be solved when the identity of those buried are known. New scandals will arise!

Hollow Heads

I predict that the increased use of drugs in strange combinations will result in many babies being born with hollow heads. These malformations will shock and disgust every right thinking person until the point is reached where capital punishment will be given for all narcotic users, narcotic pushers and even Doctors who prescribe a certain medical area of drugs! Five years will tell!

Children of the Moon

I predict that the French countryside will be terrified by what they call "children of the moon" -- scamper at the sight of a human, but are visible both during the day and the night. Scientists agree that these sightings could very well be from outerspace.
_________________

I predict your Friday will find you fearless, for there is nothing to fear -- but your future!

After us... the deluge!

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5 Comments:

Blogger Mark Martin said...

So you actually have to type all of this, right? Or do you have it in a WORD document?

8/31/2007  
Blogger HemlockMan said...

I predict that I'm bored with Criswell!

8/31/2007  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I predict Hemlockman's hollow head is wandering France to seek the trillions of other murdered souls buried in denver.

9/01/2007  
Anonymous sp said...

Yeah, it's my fault. hem. Give that Bissette guy something to read on the twa let and he makes a major production out of it. He begged me for my collection of pornographic Olsen Twins photos ... but I knew he'd change his blog into a porn site if I let him have them ... so next week be prepared for a flurry of stuff about Morris Ankrum's vagina.

9/01/2007  
Blogger SRBissette said...

It's over, do you hear? OVER!

You'll be begging for more Criswell after I'm done with the lot of you!

9/01/2007  

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