Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Criswell Predicts...

Criswell speaks to you from the grave, my friends; the following are predictions from far-away 1969 (from Criswell's book Your Next Ten Years: Criswell Predicts!, presented unexpurgated and as originally published, including each prediction's 'headline' -- enjoy!)
Special thanks to Steve Perry for the book!
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Eyes Turn to Jelly

I predict that one of the top secrets of our Pentagon, whispered around Washington, D.C. will be a potent gas, which can be sprayed over a city, causing all of the inhabitants to have their eyes turned to jelly! This major breakthrough in destructive gas will be known within the next five years! All mankind is basically depraved!
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A New Race

I predict that the new race of man, which will appear after August 18, 1999 -- the end of the world -- will crawl on all fours, with our hands and feet becoming claws for physical protection!
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A Coming American Tragedy

I predict that a coming American tragedy will shock the world in about 20 years! I predict that the president who will hold office at that time will become incurably insane because of a brain tumor! This raving man will be restrained, and the White House will become a private mental institution. The Vice President will quietly assume all duties, and the business of federal government will continue as before! When Historians write of this event, they will marvel at the courage shown by the American citizens!
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I predict... you will have a terrific Tuesday!

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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somehow I can't help feeling the USA would be a better place if Criswell's predictions had come true, as opposed to how it's turned out.

8/28/2007  
Blogger HemlockMan said...

Criswell was hilarious.

8/28/2007  
Blogger Mike Dobbs said...

I PREDICT I will make typing errors every frickin' day of my life!
I PREDICT Bissette will always have more DVDs than me! Always!
I PREDICT no matter whom I vote for in the next presidential race Marky Mark will call me an "idiot!"
I PREDICT I will be wasting a $1 on the Friday $325 million lottery drawing!
Friends, and you all are my freinds, these events will come to pass here in the end times.

8/29/2007  

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